Keep that holy water nearby, folks, this one’s going to get spooky as hell.
Hockey players are famously ritualistic, whether it’s taping a stick the exact same way before every game, eating the same pregame meal or whatever disgusting shit Sidney Crosby’s jockstrap has been through. But somewhere back in 2006, someone on the Blue Jackets may have taken the rituals too far.
We may have a bona fide demon on our hands.
As you know (unless you’re just super groggy), today is Friday the 13th. It’s a dumb holiday celebrated by people who, for some reason, love all the dumb parts of Halloween (read: the not-drinking parts), right? That’s what I thought, too, but then I dug deeper, and the results are terrifying.
(But they’re also really, really good!)
In the last ten years, there have been nine Fridays the 13th that fell within the NHL schedule. The Blue Jackets have played on eight of those days. They’ve won all eight.
That’s right. All. Damn. Eight.
| DATE | OPPONENT | RESULT |
|---|---|---|
| Feb. 13, 2009 | Detroit | CBJ win, 3-2 |
| March 13, 2009 | Pittsburgh | CBJ win, 4-3 (OT) |
| November 13, 2009 | Anaheim | CBJ win, 3-2 (SO) |
| January 13, 2012 | Phoenix | CBJ win, 4-3 |
| February 13, 2015 | Philadelphia | CBJ win 4-3 (OT) |
| March 13, 2015 | Carolina | CBJ win, 5-4 (OT) |
| November 13, 2015 | Pittsburgh | CBJ win, 2-1 |
| January 13, 2017 | Tampa Bay | CBJ win, 3-1 |
Even spookier – seven of them were decided by one goal. Hell, four of the games went to overtime. As we all know, one-goal games are decided by the hockey gods, and the hockey gods hate the Columbus Blue Jackets. So, clearly, this is not the work of the hockey gods, rather, it’s the work of some sort of celestial body that opposes them.
Folks, I know just who it is.
See, the Blue Jackets have actually played nine Friday the 13th games in franchise history. The first – the only one they lost – was played January 13, 2006. That’s this guy’s birthday:
Edmonton Oilers captain Connor McDavid | (Credit: USA Today – Perry Nelson).
Connor McDavid turned nine that day. Immediately following that loss, the Blue Jackets played seven one-goal, Friday the 13th games, and won them all.
Take a closer look at those numbers.
Nine. Seven.
Connor McDavid wears 97. He’s been called McJesus, but this is clearly the work of something sinister.
The number 97 has only been issued to one player in Blue Jackets history. Rostislav Klesla started wearing that number in that 2005-06 season, after he’d played 202 games for the club donning number 44.
The sum of the digits in “202” is four. Add that to his old number, 44, and you get 48. That’s the number of points that Connor “McJesus” (more like McDamien) McDavid scored in his first NHL season.
Did Rostislav Klesla sacrifice his old jersey number to appease a third-grade Connor McDavid? It’s certainly possible. And, since he was the first draft pick in Blue Jackets history, was this all a part of Doug MacLean’s master plan?
Ha, unlikely. The man passed on Anze Kopitar, so there’s no way he has enough foresight to employ dark magic like that. No, this is on Klesla, sacrificing his jersey number to the great McDemon.
The good news here is that you can probably throw the rent money on tonight’s tilt with the Rangers. The bad news is that I’m obviously in far too deep on this conspiracy.
If I’m gruesomely murdered tonight, start the search with Connor McDavid. And pray that the cops aren’t on skates, because his demon powers make him unnaturally fast on his.
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